Forgive and Forget

“Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness old scores never settle. Old wounds never heal, and the most we can hope for is that someday we’ll be lucky enough to forget” –Grey’s Anatomy

Is this the best I can hope for? That my wounds will never heal and the way to manage them is time? Time waits for no man. When Jordan left me in December, the only thing I needed was for time to stand still so I could mourn appropriately but the world moved at it’s usual pace day in and day out. I lost months mourning and going through the grieving process. I still notice his absence, but a little less each day. This is the first time I have spoke in this way about my failed relationship, but I feel publicly acknowledging the absence of him here beside me is personal growth. When the relationship ended, the fight took ten minutes and we became another statistic of long distance relationships.
Looking back I completely see the truth of this statement “the most we can hope for is that someday we’ll be lucky enough to forget”. The pain from the ending of my past relationship was intense until it wasn’t, until the passing of time slowly numbed the areas affected.
I still believe Jordan is almost perfect, although I have been asked to find and focus on his flaws as a way to move forward. Maybe he is, we just don’t believe he is perfect for me. I finally agree somewhat; I am excited for what lies ahead finally instead of constantly looking behind me. I believe there is someone for me who will truly accept and love me. I can’t forgive him for what was said the night we broke up, but the passing of time gives me hope I will indeed eventually forget.

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Is educated, unemployed and undecided the most crippling position today?

building career climbing

 

 

 

 

 

Is it possible that not having a career and being unsure about my career goals may actually not be the most crippling position? In the last two months alone, I have had endeavors I never saw myself beginning on my own and absolutely loved them. I am clearly on WordPress, risking public humiliation with my sub-par writing style and grammatical errors, Pinterest, Tumblr, LinkedIn, and I am growing followers with every post and pin.

I have finally risked public humiliation even though I am hiding behind my computer, I have comments open to the public and online bullying has made humans more open about their opinions than ever before. Previously, I would not risk speaking out in front of Jordan’s medical school friends due to their obvious higher education level and their clear ability to spot the “village idiot”. This is a positive step. I am now forced to sometimes brainstorm for creative posts, research to validate my information, and I am finally beginning to learn a bit of front end web design.

My escape from depression, besides my Golden Retriever puppy, Truman, has been the purchase of my camera and my desire to truly take pleasing pictures. My Nikon D3200 is such a complicated camera for a novice like myself, and it continues to awe me with its capabilities. I would like to not only grasp them, but master them, and then  purchase other lenses and master them too. My favorite thus far is the Aperture setting, the mistiness over the water, and I am desperate to begin learning about light.

Holding a position at a call-center, Target, or a server would take my time, happiness, and less time to apply to jobs and spend the rest of the time on my new endeavors. I still have time to center myself and remind myself this will not last. I have found things I do not like: coaching, book clubs, counseling, and babysitting.

I would never have realized any of this if I went straight into a job that would have eventually in 5 years worked up to the first position I originally wanted. I am realizing everything now. I obviously know I need to work and the first job that is offered I will take, but there is silver lining and I should not turn my bedroom into a place where depression comes to die.