Comprehending

Comprehending is sometimes the hardest of all. The devil I call it. The “I’ve tried to understand you”. No you haven’t. Sit beside me in therapy. CBT. Feel what is around you, what is touching you.. blah blah blah… that coping mechanism means nothing to someone who has never attended a CBT session. They cannot comprehend how you cannot breathe because of a vice grip across your chest… or the inability to reach your meds while you can’t breathe. Isn’t it weird how simply swallowing them calms you? My therapist has informed me I am actually at at the verge of an anxiety attack at all times of the day… How did I get that way? When did I become fight or flight 24/7?  Of course my boyfriend doesn’t understand this. Therapy is on Thurs.., Today is Tues.. Lets see what comes of it.

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Disability

I find myself on the edge of disability. I have lost 3 jobs due to my disability and find it seems to be quite the dirty word. It’s the stigma that gets people every time. Mental Disability. They can’t see your disability. They question you. They give you less leeway due to the fact they cant see it. Cope. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Only I can’t. This is very real and is keeping my jobs flying out my windows of my new car purchased from my last job. Indiana is an “at will” state. I lost my job when I said I was going to HR due to her using my absences against me that I took due to my disability and wasn’t even told I was fired until I tried to get into the building on a Monday. I have talents… swallowing a hand full of pills, which my schizophrenic friend told me was a mental disability talent.. But holding a job due to doctor appointments, therapy appointments, manic days, anxiety too rough to breath through.. not my talents.   The first job I lost was due to my doctors appointments, once every 6 weeks and therapy.. The second job I quit on my own because they were determined to get rid of me once I filed FMLA. The third job I missed 1.5 days manic and sedated in bed and it was enough to hold it against me. The word “going to HR” is enough to come up with invalid reasons and firing me. I need God to give me answers because I am not seeing the larger picture. The lesson.

Why I Run

I run. The sentence contains a subject and a verb that qualifies it as acceptable by Microsoft and the world. Beyond this however, the words associated with myself and the word “run” illicit mixed reactions at best: microseconds to many seconds of skepticism, suspicion, patronizing, and arrogance. I always speak candidly, therefore if for an uncontrolled microsecond, which my trained eye will catch, you feel superiority over me for running marathons, I will acknowledge the fact you did indeed just judge me. Yet, nobody has the need to judge anybody. We all have our own personal reasons to run. I run for my mental health. It is my escape and my seven previous therapists are extremely thankful for this.

Running, like any other aerobic exercise allows the production and release of endorphins, endogenous opioids, which allows runner’s to experience the “runner’s high” According to an article which I will link to this post, there was a study published in 2008 in “Cerebral Cortex” which reports that endorphins flood the brain during intense periods of physical activity, very specific effects in the fronto-limbic brain areas that are involved in the processing of affective states and the mood. There is ABSOLUTELY no way I am diving into psychiatry, neuroscience, and explaining the limbic system so, this is essentially how the runners high is created and how it processes affective states and mood.

It’s also well known running will increase self- confidence. If you reach a goal that you have previously been unable to attain, it is rewarding, finishing a race ahead of your original pace, or winning. Running will give you inner-strength, self-worth. Personally I could care less. I am in this for one thing: mental stability.

Running improves mental health, or it improves me. There are many nights where I honestly run for my sanity or I am running from my insanity, it is usually a toss-up. Scientifically, the biochemical benefits of running do not originate just from the release of endorphins, but also the production of the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine. The article I have pulled some of this information was kind enough to refer to what I am about to discuss as “mental health disorders”, but I am going to say it the MENTALLY ILL are linked too lower levels of these neurotransmitters. Depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders need higher levels of neurotransmitters, like running, which running, which causes specific chemical changes in the brain.

I can go back to the article here and quote what running will do for those who choose to run for improving their mental health. But I prefer to tell my story. Occasionally a mood will go up, and my mood will slightly drop, and running may become a challenge. I have coping issues, I occasionally prefer to stay indoors, withdraw, I am cold. I have insomnia, recovering from an eating disorder, and cannot seem to find my place in the employment world, which leaves me angrier than before.

So I run.

I run and run and run.

I need to escape. Tonight I ran five miles and unfortunately I ran like I was being chased from a tangible object instead of what I am battling internally. I will occasionally take off in the middle of an argument like Forrest Gump. I could easily run a half marathon and plan on it in December. I will blog my training plan later this week.
Just run. Run for health, confidence, therapy, sanity.
Does it really matter at the end of the day? Get up, get over the cardio curve, and run.