My Cult #Peloton

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A simple purchase.. maybe a little pricey, from my boyfriend has transformed my life from depression dependent on benzo’s and antidepressants to seeing a therapists, off half my meds, and exercising two to three times a day.

Ally Love has rides called “Get Lifted” rides. I ALWAYS cry. She spits the truth you’ve been needing to hear from your paying therapist that you didn’t even know you needed to hear. Basically, the world may have a lot on your plate, you may not have your shit together, it may not be fair, but it will be okay. Every time I turn to a benzo, I turn to Ally. I get on my bike and cry until it feels okay. At the end of the ride, my problems are smaller, the world isn’t so harsh, and everything is manageable.

Alex Toussaint…. oh man how to describe you. Ally is the boss but you are the bad ass. If I want to be yelled at, cussed at, told if I quit I’m letting myself down.. EXCELLENT motivators. You have to be pushed to push yourself sometimes, yelled, at, told the cold hard truth. That is Alex. He gets me on his “Club Bangers Rides”. He plays songs from college that just makes me lose my shit. I get lost in the music and motivation and push myself past what I thought I could accomplish.

I rode twice by choice, and once by emotions today and I feel amazing. It was rough at first. I’m not anywhere near on top of the leader board but I’ve moved up several thousands. Sometimes 22,000 have taken the class and you are just fighting for 16,000th place. If you doubt me, or consider the bike, it will change your life. It is the hardest workout I have ever done and I have been a D1 collegiate athlete. Thank god for this “cult”.

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Comprehending

Comprehending is sometimes the hardest of all. The devil I call it. The “I’ve tried to understand you”. No you haven’t. Sit beside me in therapy. CBT. Feel what is around you, what is touching you.. blah blah blah… that coping mechanism means nothing to someone who has never attended a CBT session. They cannot comprehend how you cannot breathe because of a vice grip across your chest… or the inability to reach your meds while you can’t breathe. Isn’t it weird how simply swallowing them calms you? My therapist has informed me I am actually at at the verge of an anxiety attack at all times of the day… How did I get that way? When did I become fight or flight 24/7?  Of course my boyfriend doesn’t understand this. Therapy is on Thurs.., Today is Tues.. Lets see what comes of it.

Disability

I find myself on the edge of disability. I have lost 3 jobs due to my disability and find it seems to be quite the dirty word. It’s the stigma that gets people every time. Mental Disability. They can’t see your disability. They question you. They give you less leeway due to the fact they cant see it. Cope. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Only I can’t. This is very real and is keeping my jobs flying out my windows of my new car purchased from my last job. Indiana is an “at will” state. I lost my job when I said I was going to HR due to her using my absences against me that I took due to my disability and wasn’t even told I was fired until I tried to get into the building on a Monday. I have talents… swallowing a hand full of pills, which my schizophrenic friend told me was a mental disability talent.. But holding a job due to doctor appointments, therapy appointments, manic days, anxiety too rough to breath through.. not my talents.   The first job I lost was due to my doctors appointments, once every 6 weeks and therapy.. The second job I quit on my own because they were determined to get rid of me once I filed FMLA. The third job I missed 1.5 days manic and sedated in bed and it was enough to hold it against me. The word “going to HR” is enough to come up with invalid reasons and firing me. I need God to give me answers because I am not seeing the larger picture. The lesson.

Will I Allow My Little Girl To Be A Gymnast?

Body image is currently a focal point in the media, but then it always is. The fashion industry is setting standards, yet clearly every designer has yet to follow them and Hollywood will never catch on. Our society seems so concerned with today’s youth, and how they feel about their body, but the generation they are concerned about is the first generation physician’s predict to die before their parents of health complications related to obesity. In my opinion, eating disorders aren’t running rampant. But I stand corrected, (according to a reputable website stated below), they are still on the rise and 10/100 girls suffer from an eating disorder in 2013. What I cannot ignore, however, is that between 16 and 33 percent of children are obese. Eating disorders may be on the rise, but they are clearly the minority.

I was a level nine gymnast in USA gymnastics, training forty hours a week and going to school full time. I started as a level four as did my training hours as a third grader. I am the poster child for an eating disorder: white, affluent, and a perfectionist, and later a three sport athlete. I was later a D1 college cheerleader after I quit gymnastics so instead of improving or seeking therapy, my condition drastically declined. I had an eating disorder for over a decade.

Will I allow my little girl to go through the same thing? People I have conversations with, my boyfriend’s family, my mother, aren’t “aware”, or don’t necessarily acknowledge the obvious. “Don’t ask don’t tell” applies to almost anything you don’t really want to know in my boyfriend’s and my family. Answering this question the way I wanted was very difficult.

I will want a little girl so bad and be heartbroken at the same time if she is. If she does not want to be a gymnast I will be saddened but if I have to make the decision I will be destroyed, for I know I will have to say “yes”. I cannot let my little girl miss out on the life lessons gymnastics taught me. I know they were tough to the point of mental abuse, pushed my body past stress fractures, and I found I had repressed memories in therapy, but I loved it. I did not have a childhood, but I can’t think of what I would have rather done. I found lifelong friends, and learned what a true team was like. We had sleepovers every Friday at someone’s house because of practice on Saturday morning at 8:00 am. I found that if you do something enough times you find muscle memory and perfection, and reward in winning for yourself and your team. How could I take this from my future child should she decide she wants to be like mommy?

But there is the negative aspect of gymnastics. I have terrible arthritis at twenty-four in my fingers, knees, wrist, and toes. I am a perfectionist, and it turns out it isn’t a good thing when you have to have something perfect every time or you are a failure. Oh, and that eating disorder.

I relapse almost constantly. I feel like I have it under control and then I don’t. I have met few gymnasts and even less cheerleaders when being honest did not have a disorder of some kind. When you are required to be thin, your required to be so thin that starving yourself or purging and starving is really the only solution. We all know this. What really made my condition worse was college cheerleading. We would trade what worked and what didn’t around the table or in the car.  We all had our own little disorder.

As a parent you can take two approaches, hit it head on and fight constantly, or ignore it, “believe” your child doesn’t have an appetite and watch if she gets below 85 pounds and threaten to admit her. My parents chose not to fight with me and threaten me when I got too thin. But really, what was the best option? I never would have forgiven my parents for taking me out of either, even knowing what I do now. Which is why, even now, I still am just heartbroken when in ten years if my little girl tells me she wants to do gymnastics, I am probably going to cry, but I am also going to say “yes”.

Teenagers With Eating Disorders (http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Teenagers_With_Eating_Disorders_02.aspx)

Why I Run

I run. The sentence contains a subject and a verb that qualifies it as acceptable by Microsoft and the world. Beyond this however, the words associated with myself and the word “run” illicit mixed reactions at best: microseconds to many seconds of skepticism, suspicion, patronizing, and arrogance. I always speak candidly, therefore if for an uncontrolled microsecond, which my trained eye will catch, you feel superiority over me for running marathons, I will acknowledge the fact you did indeed just judge me. Yet, nobody has the need to judge anybody. We all have our own personal reasons to run. I run for my mental health. It is my escape and my seven previous therapists are extremely thankful for this.

Running, like any other aerobic exercise allows the production and release of endorphins, endogenous opioids, which allows runner’s to experience the “runner’s high” According to an article which I will link to this post, there was a study published in 2008 in “Cerebral Cortex” which reports that endorphins flood the brain during intense periods of physical activity, very specific effects in the fronto-limbic brain areas that are involved in the processing of affective states and the mood. There is ABSOLUTELY no way I am diving into psychiatry, neuroscience, and explaining the limbic system so, this is essentially how the runners high is created and how it processes affective states and mood.

It’s also well known running will increase self- confidence. If you reach a goal that you have previously been unable to attain, it is rewarding, finishing a race ahead of your original pace, or winning. Running will give you inner-strength, self-worth. Personally I could care less. I am in this for one thing: mental stability.

Running improves mental health, or it improves me. There are many nights where I honestly run for my sanity or I am running from my insanity, it is usually a toss-up. Scientifically, the biochemical benefits of running do not originate just from the release of endorphins, but also the production of the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine. The article I have pulled some of this information was kind enough to refer to what I am about to discuss as “mental health disorders”, but I am going to say it the MENTALLY ILL are linked too lower levels of these neurotransmitters. Depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders need higher levels of neurotransmitters, like running, which running, which causes specific chemical changes in the brain.

I can go back to the article here and quote what running will do for those who choose to run for improving their mental health. But I prefer to tell my story. Occasionally a mood will go up, and my mood will slightly drop, and running may become a challenge. I have coping issues, I occasionally prefer to stay indoors, withdraw, I am cold. I have insomnia, recovering from an eating disorder, and cannot seem to find my place in the employment world, which leaves me angrier than before.

So I run.

I run and run and run.

I need to escape. Tonight I ran five miles and unfortunately I ran like I was being chased from a tangible object instead of what I am battling internally. I will occasionally take off in the middle of an argument like Forrest Gump. I could easily run a half marathon and plan on it in December. I will blog my training plan later this week.
Just run. Run for health, confidence, therapy, sanity.
Does it really matter at the end of the day? Get up, get over the cardio curve, and run.