Oversharing

I am WELL aware I share ALL aspects of my life. I HATE those people in public. SO, why would I share my life on a social media website? I have nowhere to go. “You’re my person”- Grey’s Anatomy. I share everything. I type when i’m high, low, in between. Currently I’m jamming to Kygo and Rita Ora. I’m getting on my Peloton tonight. I accepted a factory job today that scares the shit out of me. Can I do it? Do I have what it takes to work fast speed? They don’t have a cafeteria… weird to me. Boots? Cheap jeans? All things I am now. A pay check? Glorious if I can keep this job. Prayers… and all honesty coming from this woman. Offensive, Honest, Good, Bad.. Ugly.. Me

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Love and Hate

Is it possible to actually detest the person you are in love with? Because I Believe I do. He makes me feel like shit. The the shittest failure on the planet. I don’t have a job right because I lost it do to me disability so I’m being more careful where I apply.  Not okay apparently. He buys everything. He’s well off, but I ask for a dollar bath bomb and he says we are conserving money when he just dropped $140.00 on unnecessary shit at Home Depot. I am a burden in every  way. It’s pulling nails to get him to buy my meds but 2 pants (200.00) from lulu lemon??? Done. I don’t understand his thought system. All I know is I feel completely alone in this stupid city. I feel like I don’t even have him anymore. Why am I here?

Chimpanzee’s and Only Children

In this group text of 8 people today, I find out my friend and her boyfriend are pregnant, nervous, and not telling anyone yet until their parent s know but they wanted to “spill the beans” so to say. This leads me to the parent I have in mind that I would like to be.  Certainly hope everyone is getting along well enough, my spouse and I have well enough jobs to be making these decisions, and it is time to decide: to work or to work harder at home, and not miss a second with my child. This leads me into the ever up for debate: What exactly is the method of choice for everyone raising their children these days?
I have a feeling my idea’s will receive a giggle, especially because I have yet to try it, but I want to have dreams. I prefer my Childs life to have a better life than my own, which was extraordinary in its self. Lets laugh at the basics: I want one child so heshe will learn what is appropriate in society. Nobody told me until much too old why my friends would not go to my gymnastics meets, “They didn’t care!”. But it didn’t mean they didn’t care about me but the damage was done. Much later, after an even more tough lesson ended in “It doesn’t always have to be about you”, when I realized nothing really should be about us at our grade. We should be selfless, loving, constantly philanthropic, and above all the attention should not be on you. Selflessness. So it would naturally take years to learn I could indeed take a day to be selfish and do whatever I want. I am still struggling with this concept. I only take a day to myself once in every three or four months.
I Feel we learned these critical lessens the wrong way at the wrong times in our lives. If we had had a mother or strong support system at home, a strong sibling support system, they would have better prepared us for what was so obviously waiting for us in the real world. I feel like this is the difficult secret to this unborn Child’s success. Not sheltering the child, but being around when the child makes mistakes to give the situation the proper fallout and not a malicious one.
I just feel like having an only child to an extent leaves the child to a Disney Documentary experience where the Chimpanzee must find other Chimpanzee’s to adopt or they will inevitably be alone in the world to struggle through more social situations like the ones mentioned above.

 

I wrote this years ago. It was never published. I now do not see what is wrong with an only child properly socialized. The world is not about me. However I do have my issues. I am struggling with a boyfriend because I never learned to pick up after myself. Someone (mom or dad) sheltered my until 29. WHHHYYYYYYY. It has destroyed me. I watched a Ted conference. It was profound to me. I have been acting on my feelings for 30 years. I have been doing what I have felt like doing instead of what I should have been doing. I need to sweep, clean the kitchen, laundry, instead of reading my book and laying in the sun. Obviously this is common sense to EVERYONE who doesn’t read my blog but it was news to me. My feelings. It will be important to teach my child their feelings vs their needs. That will be my job as a parent once they are old enough to udnerstand their feelings and chores.. It is feelings vs duties. I am a better person literally in 15 minutes of listening to a Ted conference. Thank you.

Interviews Blow

Image result for interviews

 

I have an interview tomorrow and needless to say I’m nervous. And this damn Apple not correcting everything (spelling, grammar, ect.) is killing me. I’ve done my research on the company, I have my weaknesses, my strengths, my questions to ask… I’m lost elsewhere. Am I talking too much? Do they like my voice? Am I being annoying? Am I asking the right questions? Are my weaknesses good enough? Too generic? No perfume? Perfume? Hair up? Down? Diamonds or Pearls? Am I reading them right or are they playing me? I really want this job and On top of it I need this job. Prayers.

Comprehending

Comprehending is sometimes the hardest of all. The devil I call it. The “I’ve tried to understand you”. No you haven’t. Sit beside me in therapy. CBT. Feel what is around you, what is touching you.. blah blah blah… that coping mechanism means nothing to someone who has never attended a CBT session. They cannot comprehend how you cannot breathe because of a vice grip across your chest… or the inability to reach your meds while you can’t breathe. Isn’t it weird how simply swallowing them calms you? My therapist has informed me I am actually at at the verge of an anxiety attack at all times of the day… How did I get that way? When did I become fight or flight 24/7?  Of course my boyfriend doesn’t understand this. Therapy is on Thurs.., Today is Tues.. Lets see what comes of it.

Why THERAPY??????

I agreed to go to CBT on a last resort of my boyfriend. He doesn’t understand my anxiety or my bipolar. He thinks it’s something perfectly manageable. When I walk into a room of his friends or a party, I’m suddenly “tired”, or “cold” and have to stand alone by the fire or in a quiet room. I’m not comfortable in a group setting.  I feel like I should laugh in a situation I don’t find funny. I have a very dry humor and very few things I find funny and those I find funny very few do. I come across as “stuck up”. i have a blessed life and I’m quiet so why wouldn’t I be better than others?? NO, I”t too awkward to speak to people. I love dancing. I will dance all night but not speak to people. I will be on my phone, accidentally interrupt (god kill me), fuck up somehow…. People with an anxiety are so worried about screwing up in social settings they cant be social. Bottom line. Try to understand us before you make judements. Ask questions to their partners boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, spouses,… maybe they’re where I’m at.

Disability

I find myself on the edge of disability. I have lost 3 jobs due to my disability and find it seems to be quite the dirty word. It’s the stigma that gets people every time. Mental Disability. They can’t see your disability. They question you. They give you less leeway due to the fact they cant see it. Cope. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Only I can’t. This is very real and is keeping my jobs flying out my windows of my new car purchased from my last job. Indiana is an “at will” state. I lost my job when I said I was going to HR due to her using my absences against me that I took due to my disability and wasn’t even told I was fired until I tried to get into the building on a Monday. I have talents… swallowing a hand full of pills, which my schizophrenic friend told me was a mental disability talent.. But holding a job due to doctor appointments, therapy appointments, manic days, anxiety too rough to breath through.. not my talents.   The first job I lost was due to my doctors appointments, once every 6 weeks and therapy.. The second job I quit on my own because they were determined to get rid of me once I filed FMLA. The third job I missed 1.5 days manic and sedated in bed and it was enough to hold it against me. The word “going to HR” is enough to come up with invalid reasons and firing me. I need God to give me answers because I am not seeing the larger picture. The lesson.

Thoughts

How much is too much to give? Too much to take? Too much to accept? My boyfriend indulges in a beverage or two, or twelve, frequently. I recently moved in and realized just how bad it is. I’m giving and giving my patience and accepting this but how much until the ultimatum is introduced and he’s taken all you have?

Forgive and Forget

“Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness old scores never settle. Old wounds never heal, and the most we can hope for is that someday we’ll be lucky enough to forget” –Grey’s Anatomy

Is this the best I can hope for? That my wounds will never heal and the way to manage them is time? Time waits for no man. When Jordan left me in December, the only thing I needed was for time to stand still so I could mourn appropriately but the world moved at it’s usual pace day in and day out. I lost months mourning and going through the grieving process. I still notice his absence, but a little less each day. This is the first time I have spoke in this way about my failed relationship, but I feel publicly acknowledging the absence of him here beside me is personal growth. When the relationship ended, the fight took ten minutes and we became another statistic of long distance relationships.
Looking back I completely see the truth of this statement “the most we can hope for is that someday we’ll be lucky enough to forget”. The pain from the ending of my past relationship was intense until it wasn’t, until the passing of time slowly numbed the areas affected.
I still believe Jordan is almost perfect, although I have been asked to find and focus on his flaws as a way to move forward. Maybe he is, we just don’t believe he is perfect for me. I finally agree somewhat; I am excited for what lies ahead finally instead of constantly looking behind me. I believe there is someone for me who will truly accept and love me. I can’t forgive him for what was said the night we broke up, but the passing of time gives me hope I will indeed eventually forget.

A Touch of Envy

There is a young woman I have never even met who simply exudes coolness. The kind that makes everyone wants to be her, or sleep with her simply because of the sureness of herself. She is more artistic than I am in every category: water painting, calligraphy, sculpting, and photography. I find myself looking up to her in awe and envy yet wanting to be her friend because she’s genuinely nice. I feel thirteen years old all over again. I feel pains of jealousy. I know without a doubt I am not alone or most girls would only have kind thoughts and words to each other and about one other so, psychologically, what are we feeling?

Therapists often regard this deadly sin as a scar of childhood trauma or a symptom of a psychological problem. And it’s true that people who feel inadequate, insecure, or overly dependent tend to be more jealous than others, but it actually evolved from more positive reasons. Throughout our primordial past it discouraged desertion by a mate, bolstering the family unit and enabling the survival of the young. Catching someone flirting with your beloved can spark the kind of lust and romance that reignites a relationship.

Unfortunately jealously can sometimes go awry, they become self-consumed, undermining their self-esteem and into someone else’s arms. Unfortunately, jealousy is the leading cause of spousal homicide worldwide.

I am simply insecure and envy her life, my job position, and yes I wish I was as talented as this wonderful woman’s hands with a paint brush. But psychologically, I understand better what I am feeling when I experience jealousy and will always keep this in mind.

Understanding Jealousy: Ph.D., H. F. (n.d.). Understanding Jealousy. . Retrieved May 12, 2014,

Do I Officially Have A Hobby?

book stacks

When my two-year relationship ended a few weeks ago, it became immediately clear what I should do with Jordan’s Christmas money: fulfill my current book list, at my favorite bookstore, while sipping a cappuccino.

Unfortunately I found myself debating the big 3: Is this retail therapy, am I collecting books as my hobby (I dream of a library), or this is a compulsive behavior?

I left with not only the books I had been hoping to get acquainted with, but also with books I never knew I wanted to acquire. We readers need to be honest, every book holds a quick set of friends and framework of relationships you learn and gossip with just until that last page is turned. You lose a friend and you open your next book and meet another. She could be a better companion than the last.

So the question is whether my collection of books is simply the beginning of the library that flourishes during a time of retail therapy or something more. I will spare the suspense; I read for entertainment, and buy for enjoyment. Reading and collecting books is my Hobby, along with Photography. My psychiatrist could not be happier with how I am channeling my energy. So Cheers to the New Year! And my 12+ books to fall in love with in the immediate future!

Social Media is Exhausting

There is a month, day, and psychological disorder for everything society has to offer. In November, it was time for every brilliant mind to write her or her own mediocre novel. Don’t worry if you missed it, another opportunity starts November 1, 2014. Days, weeks, and months are dedicated to the most preposterous reasons but in November, writers all unite for a common cause. It’s the month to write and publish novels, and it is not for me. Writers will tell you; do this one thing for yourself: write one hour a day just for you. I do, but its different, therefore as is my blog.

I enjoy writing with a pen and journal, much like a daily devotion.  I carry my journal with me where me wherever I travel. The wonderful pages this book holds are magical. They truly read like a story of my life with few holes. They post the delicate strokes of your pen on your beautiful stationary purchased for you so you can write something, write anything, this is my hour.

I feel social media is so exhausting. Twitter, tumblr, Instagram, Vine, WordPress, and Pinterest are all websites that build personal branding and they will take your complete waking hours if you focus all hours on keeping them all up to date. I find one slipping and try to salvage and pick up for awhile, I have a strategy but life will not allow it.

Technology has imprisoned us, and we, myself included, as allowed it. Not a person should know when my relationship ended before I was prepared but because of social media everyone found out much much too soon. I’m sure everyone has noticed taking your phone to your yoga, cycling, or going on a run and return to find five missed calls and angry texts. People are intrusive regardless of preference.

The biggest strategy is ton use strategy at all on social media to build your own brand. Trust that your brand will build like wildfire on its own or strategically place itself in different places among tumblr and the grounds within it and pinerest. (We are clearly referring to handmade soaps or a shirt from etsy and a small business on Pinterest)This is simple because marketing ROI in these areas is so hard to turn over. I am seeing results from both. I see an experiment in the future.

Overqualified

I am overqualified for most jobs I need in order to gain enough experience for the jobs I am qualified for as a recent college graduate. Fortunately, my education provided me with an excellent background in marketing, but I don’t have the experience for my knowledge base. I have recently applied almost everywhere, but there is a large problem, I am overqualified or actually under qualified for a position in a specialized department within a store. I know this because of their piss poor responses they give me because, yes, I ask them point blank why they did not hire me.

I went to a job interview at Lowe’s last week and it was quite the experience. I handed the assembly line I experienced my resume and immediately regretted this action. I was granted two interviews and in each interview both failed to even glance at my resume. They fired hypothetical questions at me and know exactly what they want to know, but failed to learn anything about me as a person. I know “through my answers they gained knowledge and insight”, but did they really? I interviewed for a paint department position in which I would assist customers in picking out a paint color that best suits their style, preference, and subconsciously their personality. I understand the psychology of color, marketing techniques used, advanced selling techniques, and contemporary, traditional, and minimalism approaches to architecture and design but was unable to work most of this into the interview because of the rapid-fire questions. I was passed over for someone “better” qualified but I was clearly overqualified for this position, as with the bank teller positions I have applied for. I have been told over the phone and to my face I am overqualified. They have previously made it terribly uncomfortable. And then I was passed over.

When hiring managers are interviewing candidates and label them as overqualified, this is what they are thinking:

1) My salary expectations are likely higher than the role pays, therefore they cannot pay me enough.

2)  I’m too optimistic and I don’t fully understand what the job entails, or I will be quick to prove myself and move up the ladder.

3) They think there is a high probability I will be bored, frustrated, and leave. I have heard this several times. A travel agency told me they did not think I would be challenged enough on a daily basis.

4) There may be a chance I will be more experienced than my manager, and would be uncomfortable taking direction from them.

5)  I will leave as soon as a better opportunity comes around and I’m only applying because I’m desperate (which I am, but I also need experience in my field regardless of my position).

I always address this issue in the cover letter and, when given the opportunity, will address this in the interview. But sometimes it still doesn’t matter because I still do not offer job security. I can only hope that interviews from this point on go better than my last.

Why Employers Don’t Want to Hire Overqualified Candidates (http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/outside-voices-careers/2013/07/31/why-employers-dont-want-to-hire-overqualified-candidates)

Will I Allow My Little Girl To Be A Gymnast?

Body image is currently a focal point in the media, but then it always is. The fashion industry is setting standards, yet clearly every designer has yet to follow them and Hollywood will never catch on. Our society seems so concerned with today’s youth, and how they feel about their body, but the generation they are concerned about is the first generation physician’s predict to die before their parents of health complications related to obesity. In my opinion, eating disorders aren’t running rampant. But I stand corrected, (according to a reputable website stated below), they are still on the rise and 10/100 girls suffer from an eating disorder in 2013. What I cannot ignore, however, is that between 16 and 33 percent of children are obese. Eating disorders may be on the rise, but they are clearly the minority.

I was a level nine gymnast in USA gymnastics, training forty hours a week and going to school full time. I started as a level four as did my training hours as a third grader. I am the poster child for an eating disorder: white, affluent, and a perfectionist, and later a three sport athlete. I was later a D1 college cheerleader after I quit gymnastics so instead of improving or seeking therapy, my condition drastically declined. I had an eating disorder for over a decade.

Will I allow my little girl to go through the same thing? People I have conversations with, my boyfriend’s family, my mother, aren’t “aware”, or don’t necessarily acknowledge the obvious. “Don’t ask don’t tell” applies to almost anything you don’t really want to know in my boyfriend’s and my family. Answering this question the way I wanted was very difficult.

I will want a little girl so bad and be heartbroken at the same time if she is. If she does not want to be a gymnast I will be saddened but if I have to make the decision I will be destroyed, for I know I will have to say “yes”. I cannot let my little girl miss out on the life lessons gymnastics taught me. I know they were tough to the point of mental abuse, pushed my body past stress fractures, and I found I had repressed memories in therapy, but I loved it. I did not have a childhood, but I can’t think of what I would have rather done. I found lifelong friends, and learned what a true team was like. We had sleepovers every Friday at someone’s house because of practice on Saturday morning at 8:00 am. I found that if you do something enough times you find muscle memory and perfection, and reward in winning for yourself and your team. How could I take this from my future child should she decide she wants to be like mommy?

But there is the negative aspect of gymnastics. I have terrible arthritis at twenty-four in my fingers, knees, wrist, and toes. I am a perfectionist, and it turns out it isn’t a good thing when you have to have something perfect every time or you are a failure. Oh, and that eating disorder.

I relapse almost constantly. I feel like I have it under control and then I don’t. I have met few gymnasts and even less cheerleaders when being honest did not have a disorder of some kind. When you are required to be thin, your required to be so thin that starving yourself or purging and starving is really the only solution. We all know this. What really made my condition worse was college cheerleading. We would trade what worked and what didn’t around the table or in the car.  We all had our own little disorder.

As a parent you can take two approaches, hit it head on and fight constantly, or ignore it, “believe” your child doesn’t have an appetite and watch if she gets below 85 pounds and threaten to admit her. My parents chose not to fight with me and threaten me when I got too thin. But really, what was the best option? I never would have forgiven my parents for taking me out of either, even knowing what I do now. Which is why, even now, I still am just heartbroken when in ten years if my little girl tells me she wants to do gymnastics, I am probably going to cry, but I am also going to say “yes”.

Teenagers With Eating Disorders (http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Teenagers_With_Eating_Disorders_02.aspx)

Mentally Petite

“That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying.”

                                                                                                                  Grey’s Anatomy

I arduously consider this quote, pondering the aforementioned. Personally, I never want to know something bad when I can hope for the best. When my life is amazing, I would rather wake on my own accord, and when it is terrible I actually prefer to not face the day. So I don’t believe this to be necessarily true, either. The last third of this inspirational quote, however, causes a type of intrinsic crisis: “Even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying”.

The worst failure, the biggest failure, at the worst time, can be inconvenient for some people; the strong individuals will face “minor setbacks” and try again. However, the very same event trouncing a previously fragile individual is detrimental. I have shattered into over 300 pieces on my bedroom floor for every rejected Resume and failed job interviews. It has taken three months for doctors, friends, my boyfriend, and my parents especially, to meticulously glue me back together. I am a petite girl. I look frail, delicate, breakable, and brittle. They are all synonyms for each other, obviously, and unfortunately, I am mentally “petite” as well. My body and my mind will break, shatter, and are easily hurt and destroyed because people push me to believe “The biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying”.

“Keep applying”, “Keep your head down and push through”, “Eight to ten job applications a day and you will get there”. This isn’t true. Sometimes you simply fail in today’s job market when you only have an undergraduate degree and are without experience. I am applying at locations where I will operate machinery now, hoping to gain job experience. Yes, I am still waiting for job interview two and they did not even look at my Resume or ask about my degree. I turn 25 next month. I have learned one valuable life lesson: Never look down on an individual with 6 years of professional experience who opted out of college. I hold a piece of paper, and…. a piece of paper.