My Cult #Peloton

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A simple purchase.. maybe a little pricey, from my boyfriend has transformed my life from depression dependent on benzo’s and antidepressants to seeing a therapists, off half my meds, and exercising two to three times a day.

Ally Love has rides called “Get Lifted” rides. I ALWAYS cry. She spits the truth you’ve been needing to hear from your paying therapist that you didn’t even know you needed to hear. Basically, the world may have a lot on your plate, you may not have your shit together, it may not be fair, but it will be okay. Every time I turn to a benzo, I turn to Ally. I get on my bike and cry until it feels okay. At the end of the ride, my problems are smaller, the world isn’t so harsh, and everything is manageable.

Alex Toussaint…. oh man how to describe you. Ally is the boss but you are the bad ass. If I want to be yelled at, cussed at, told if I quit I’m letting myself down.. EXCELLENT motivators. You have to be pushed to push yourself sometimes, yelled, at, told the cold hard truth. That is Alex. He gets me on his “Club Bangers Rides”. He plays songs from college that just makes me lose my shit. I get lost in the music and motivation and push myself past what I thought I could accomplish.

I rode twice by choice, and once by emotions today and I feel amazing. It was rough at first. I’m not anywhere near on top of the leader board but I’ve moved up several thousands. Sometimes 22,000 have taken the class and you are just fighting for 16,000th place. If you doubt me, or consider the bike, it will change your life. It is the hardest workout I have ever done and I have been a D1 collegiate athlete. Thank god for this “cult”.

Chimpanzee’s and Only Children

In this group text of 8 people today, I find out my friend and her boyfriend are pregnant, nervous, and not telling anyone yet until their parent s know but they wanted to “spill the beans” so to say. This leads me to the parent I have in mind that I would like to be.  Certainly hope everyone is getting along well enough, my spouse and I have well enough jobs to be making these decisions, and it is time to decide: to work or to work harder at home, and not miss a second with my child. This leads me into the ever up for debate: What exactly is the method of choice for everyone raising their children these days?
I have a feeling my idea’s will receive a giggle, especially because I have yet to try it, but I want to have dreams. I prefer my Childs life to have a better life than my own, which was extraordinary in its self. Lets laugh at the basics: I want one child so heshe will learn what is appropriate in society. Nobody told me until much too old why my friends would not go to my gymnastics meets, “They didn’t care!”. But it didn’t mean they didn’t care about me but the damage was done. Much later, after an even more tough lesson ended in “It doesn’t always have to be about you”, when I realized nothing really should be about us at our grade. We should be selfless, loving, constantly philanthropic, and above all the attention should not be on you. Selflessness. So it would naturally take years to learn I could indeed take a day to be selfish and do whatever I want. I am still struggling with this concept. I only take a day to myself once in every three or four months.
I Feel we learned these critical lessens the wrong way at the wrong times in our lives. If we had had a mother or strong support system at home, a strong sibling support system, they would have better prepared us for what was so obviously waiting for us in the real world. I feel like this is the difficult secret to this unborn Child’s success. Not sheltering the child, but being around when the child makes mistakes to give the situation the proper fallout and not a malicious one.
I just feel like having an only child to an extent leaves the child to a Disney Documentary experience where the Chimpanzee must find other Chimpanzee’s to adopt or they will inevitably be alone in the world to struggle through more social situations like the ones mentioned above.

 

I wrote this years ago. It was never published. I now do not see what is wrong with an only child properly socialized. The world is not about me. However I do have my issues. I am struggling with a boyfriend because I never learned to pick up after myself. Someone (mom or dad) sheltered my until 29. WHHHYYYYYYY. It has destroyed me. I watched a Ted conference. It was profound to me. I have been acting on my feelings for 30 years. I have been doing what I have felt like doing instead of what I should have been doing. I need to sweep, clean the kitchen, laundry, instead of reading my book and laying in the sun. Obviously this is common sense to EVERYONE who doesn’t read my blog but it was news to me. My feelings. It will be important to teach my child their feelings vs their needs. That will be my job as a parent once they are old enough to udnerstand their feelings and chores.. It is feelings vs duties. I am a better person literally in 15 minutes of listening to a Ted conference. Thank you.

Interviews Blow

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I have an interview tomorrow and needless to say I’m nervous. And this damn Apple not correcting everything (spelling, grammar, ect.) is killing me. I’ve done my research on the company, I have my weaknesses, my strengths, my questions to ask… I’m lost elsewhere. Am I talking too much? Do they like my voice? Am I being annoying? Am I asking the right questions? Are my weaknesses good enough? Too generic? No perfume? Perfume? Hair up? Down? Diamonds or Pearls? Am I reading them right or are they playing me? I really want this job and On top of it I need this job. Prayers.

The ending before a beginning. 2014

I finally landed a semi-dream job at a dream company and began to train for this position. I was going to be a teller. Prior to this position, I was working out 3-4 hours a day and volunteering for Habitat and my life was structured.

I began training for my job and immediately altered training schedules. I found a gym where I  could box at night and Sunday mornings, and cycle weeknights and Saturday mornings. I also found strength training offered at 5:50 am twice a week and it worked just fine.  I was ready for my lives to blend.

 

I never got the chance. On a Monday morning, when I walked early as usual, Patti called me into her office before I could put my bags away. They immediately stated I was counting too slow and I was a liability to their bank. I told them I had never lost even a penny, though they felt I would. I asked if they were firing me and yes said yes. I gave them their things and walked out the door with a simple “Okay”. Who would have thought its okay to fire someone going through training because their counting too slow during their training week…. Well they did. Lesson learned.

Comprehending

Comprehending is sometimes the hardest of all. The devil I call it. The “I’ve tried to understand you”. No you haven’t. Sit beside me in therapy. CBT. Feel what is around you, what is touching you.. blah blah blah… that coping mechanism means nothing to someone who has never attended a CBT session. They cannot comprehend how you cannot breathe because of a vice grip across your chest… or the inability to reach your meds while you can’t breathe. Isn’t it weird how simply swallowing them calms you? My therapist has informed me I am actually at at the verge of an anxiety attack at all times of the day… How did I get that way? When did I become fight or flight 24/7?  Of course my boyfriend doesn’t understand this. Therapy is on Thurs.., Today is Tues.. Lets see what comes of it.

Why THERAPY??????

I agreed to go to CBT on a last resort of my boyfriend. He doesn’t understand my anxiety or my bipolar. He thinks it’s something perfectly manageable. When I walk into a room of his friends or a party, I’m suddenly “tired”, or “cold” and have to stand alone by the fire or in a quiet room. I’m not comfortable in a group setting.  I feel like I should laugh in a situation I don’t find funny. I have a very dry humor and very few things I find funny and those I find funny very few do. I come across as “stuck up”. i have a blessed life and I’m quiet so why wouldn’t I be better than others?? NO, I”t too awkward to speak to people. I love dancing. I will dance all night but not speak to people. I will be on my phone, accidentally interrupt (god kill me), fuck up somehow…. People with an anxiety are so worried about screwing up in social settings they cant be social. Bottom line. Try to understand us before you make judements. Ask questions to their partners boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, spouses,… maybe they’re where I’m at.

Songs

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Isn’t it amazing how one song can send you back in time or to one moment? Good or bad? “I got a feeling, OOOHHHHHHH” sends me back to the undefeated season at Ball State University when we had 22,0000 in the stadium and everyone was singing along. You couldn’t even hear the music. “living on a prayer” “ooohhh we’re half way there”…. yeah  half time to our undefeated season. We won that game. I was singing into a megaphone on the field on ESPN. No shits given. One of the happiest moments of my life. One of my lowest was “say something”. I had my lowest moment in my life, had just started running, and thought, “he isn’t coming back but you’re going to finish this mile if it kills you”. I finished my mile in tears of resilience. I grew through that song. Now I have a Peloton… I all happy memories on that bike. Hardest moments of my current life but I save the songs, save them to my playlist and play them and they are instant mood lifts. My boyfriend cannot comprehend my change of genres but Peloton playlists are not for gentle hearts. I have fallen deeply in love with Nikki Minaj from the Peloton. Not literally, but her dirty, gritty lyrics. She motivates and pushes me unlike anyone else. I guess music is always ever changing, just like people. God bless change. God is good…. All the time.

Disability

I find myself on the edge of disability. I have lost 3 jobs due to my disability and find it seems to be quite the dirty word. It’s the stigma that gets people every time. Mental Disability. They can’t see your disability. They question you. They give you less leeway due to the fact they cant see it. Cope. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Only I can’t. This is very real and is keeping my jobs flying out my windows of my new car purchased from my last job. Indiana is an “at will” state. I lost my job when I said I was going to HR due to her using my absences against me that I took due to my disability and wasn’t even told I was fired until I tried to get into the building on a Monday. I have talents… swallowing a hand full of pills, which my schizophrenic friend told me was a mental disability talent.. But holding a job due to doctor appointments, therapy appointments, manic days, anxiety too rough to breath through.. not my talents.   The first job I lost was due to my doctors appointments, once every 6 weeks and therapy.. The second job I quit on my own because they were determined to get rid of me once I filed FMLA. The third job I missed 1.5 days manic and sedated in bed and it was enough to hold it against me. The word “going to HR” is enough to come up with invalid reasons and firing me. I need God to give me answers because I am not seeing the larger picture. The lesson.

Thoughts

How much is too much to give? Too much to take? Too much to accept? My boyfriend indulges in a beverage or two, or twelve, frequently. I recently moved in and realized just how bad it is. I’m giving and giving my patience and accepting this but how much until the ultimatum is introduced and he’s taken all you have?

Paint Color Trends of 2015

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Paint colors have been ever changing. Colors come and go but maybe its important to first know how to paint your walls in the first place. Most people put a little paint on their roller and stick it on the wall, usually the middle. They begin rolling. What they don’t understand is they start rolling in the middle of the wall and the top half and the bottom half are neglected to receive any paint. Then they load their roller and begin the process in the middle of the wall again. It’s important to start with the basics. Load your roller with paint. Get it almost dripping. Get on a ladder if you need too and start in the upper right hand corer of a wall in your room. Begin as close tot he trim as you can manage and roll down and then back up in a slightly sideways motion until you have exhausted the paint roller of paint. Then take your brush and edge trim while it is still wet o you don’t have any silly lines. Repeat this process in squares throughout your room, moving down and then to the side in this rhythm.

Take this new knowledge and apply it to this seasons bright and lovely colors. They are all about vibrancy and life, Vibrant pink, turquoise, yellow, coral, and lime green take center stage during this new trend. Capitalize it and add some life to your house. Grey is also a focus, my favorite color which is a pleasant surprise among all of the brightness. It balances them out nicely and would add an excellent accent wall. So whatever color you choose, you cant go wrong this season with the seasons trends!

Forgive and Forget

“Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness old scores never settle. Old wounds never heal, and the most we can hope for is that someday we’ll be lucky enough to forget” –Grey’s Anatomy

Is this the best I can hope for? That my wounds will never heal and the way to manage them is time? Time waits for no man. When Jordan left me in December, the only thing I needed was for time to stand still so I could mourn appropriately but the world moved at it’s usual pace day in and day out. I lost months mourning and going through the grieving process. I still notice his absence, but a little less each day. This is the first time I have spoke in this way about my failed relationship, but I feel publicly acknowledging the absence of him here beside me is personal growth. When the relationship ended, the fight took ten minutes and we became another statistic of long distance relationships.
Looking back I completely see the truth of this statement “the most we can hope for is that someday we’ll be lucky enough to forget”. The pain from the ending of my past relationship was intense until it wasn’t, until the passing of time slowly numbed the areas affected.
I still believe Jordan is almost perfect, although I have been asked to find and focus on his flaws as a way to move forward. Maybe he is, we just don’t believe he is perfect for me. I finally agree somewhat; I am excited for what lies ahead finally instead of constantly looking behind me. I believe there is someone for me who will truly accept and love me. I can’t forgive him for what was said the night we broke up, but the passing of time gives me hope I will indeed eventually forget.

Falsie Eyelashes Without Selling Your Soul

Everyone wants the falsie look for their lashes. Sephora sells a primer that retails around $25 which is suppose to help your lashes but for $5-$9 you can get the same or better effect if you just know how to apply the mascaa correctly. I learned the trait myself during college cheerleading and am passing it on.

Know Your Budget

Make sure you know your budget before you go mascara shopping. Retail stores like Sephora and Ulta will press you to purchase the more expensive (and better) mascara. I prefer a cheap base ( and a different brand completely) and an expensive top coat, or main layer. The brushes are extremely important. Look at the brushes, talk to the women working in Ulta or Sephora about their brushes and which brush comes in the mascara you are looking at. It will truly make the difference with your mascara.

Keep in mind mascara’s come in many colors now! They offer colors like neon blue and pink so if you want to keep up with the fashion trends there is a mascara for you!

Try Mascara’s on separately before combining them first!

Once you’ve selected, its important to try them out separately to see how each function on your eye, one may offer extreme length and need to go on first to avoid clumping while the other more expensive brand simply glides over the lengthening mascara to give you the volume you want for the false lash look you’re going for. Sampling them separately will clue you in.

mascara

 

Complete all makeup before applying mascara

Once you know their order it is important to get the rest of your eye makeup completed first! That includes all eye shadow and eyeliner. If you choose to curl, do it before you put the mascara on and count to ten before releasing it for a nice permanent curl. Be careful not to squeeze too tight (it results in a bend in the eyelash and not a curl)! And begin the process! I personally apply around 2-3 coats of “Volumptuous Volume Ulta mascara” and then finish with several coats of “BAD gal lash” all in black. This process can be repeated, but carefully to avoid clumping.

 

Best of Luck with your false look!

Myself

MYSELF

 

MYSELF

I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able, as days go by,
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don’t want to stand, with the setting sun,
And hate myself for all the things I have done.

I don’t want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself, as I come and go,
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of man I really am;
I don’t want to dress up myself as a sham.

I want to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men’s respect;
But here in the struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don’t want to look at myself and know
That I’m bluster and bluff and empty show.

I can never hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself, and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

EDGAR . GUEST.

If I Had Known

                                        If I Had Known                                    
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If I had known what trouble you were bearing;
What grief’s were in the silence of your face;
I would have spent more gentle, and more caring,
And tried to give you gladness for a space.
I would have brought more warmth into the place,
If I had known.

If I had known what thoughts despairing drew you;
(Why do we never try to understand?)
I would have lent a little friendship to you.
And slipped my hand within your hand,
And made your stay more pleasant in the land
If I had known.

                                                            Mary Carolyn Davies.